celluloid dog: write like god


celluloid dog: write like god







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This episode of Pages comes from Al Finocchio. "Intro to Billy Boy" is excerpted from Finocchio's feature script "Decker & Fisk" :



A rather tidy set of palm trees artistically arranged. Natural? Hell no. It's the vision of some overpaid landscape architect.

In the distance, an animal's FURRY HEAD peeks from behind a palm. From here it's hard to tell what species of beast it is, but Some Kind Of Deer would be a good guess.

A GUNSHOT cracks. The Furry Head ducks behind the tree trunk.

A YOUNG MAN in jeans and a t-shirt, cradling an Uzi, hustles INTO FRAME, sidles up to a nearby tree. He tries to sight the Deer. Nothing.

He steps from behind the palm anyway, rips off a couple of rounds in the Deer's direction. BILLY BOY SLEDGE, early twenties, a fuck-up with no off switch.

Evasive maneuvers my ass. Show your face!

As if on cue, the Deer dashes to a new cluster of palm trees in the distance. Billy Boy fires his Uzi from the hip. The Deer stays just ahead of the spray.

Billy Boy jogs to the next tree.

A cell phone RINGS. Startled, Billy Boy slips on a palm frond and goes down. A couple of rounds escape the Uzi.

Son of a bitch.

He scoops the cell phone from his jeans pocket.

   (into phone)
Oh, hi.
Yeah, did the dishes, watered the plants. Just like you said.

He pulls himself to his feet, cradles the cell phone between his ear and shoulder, and surveils the trees ahead, Uzi at the ready.

   (into phone)
What you think I was gonna do? I know how to house sit.

The Deer leaps from its hiding place and bounds to another tree, this one closer to Billy Boy.

Billy Boy fires off a quick burst. Palm fronds and tree bark confetti, but no sign of the Deer now.

   (into phone)
Nothing, nothing. A helicopter flying by, that's all.
Yeah, the animals are fine.
I said they was fine, all right?! Hey, what're you feeding them anyway? I think some of those deer got a few extra I.Q. points than your average venison.
Ha, ha. Fuck you.

And then? The Deer Is Here.

Out of nowhere, it rushes Billy Boy. He fumbles the cell phone, clips off a burst from the Uzi, but the Deer dodges left, right, then --

-- leaps OVER Billy Boy, kicks him in the back with its hind legs.

Billy Boy slams into the dirt.

The Deer bounds gleefully into the trees, not a lick of fur out of place.

The only sound now? SCREAMING from the cell phone.

[ :::email celluloid dog to a friend::: ]

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